Day 21

The Practically Ultimate Post Modern Arousal Device™


08.03 Maggots for breakfast, wish they’d been orzo
Subject: Alpine Holiday Snaps

Dearest Darling Forsythia,


Our Pleasure Devices™ Unit has this very minute approved plans for the Practically Ultimate Post Modern Arousal Device™! This portable, musical corkscrew attachment comes in a regular version (Mk.V™), as well as in a special solid-platinum, Italian Designer Model (IDM) with your choice of six designers: Armani; Valentino; Versace; Cavalli; Gucci and Prada. All accessories will be custom-designed and hand-crafter, with my personal favourite being the GushiSmoochyMasterbatorRotivator, which has walnut burl handles inlaid with gold, 5-carot yellow diamonds and a white elephant scrotum skin dashboard. All IDM models will be made available to those and only those with appropriate references and seven-figure credit lines with a private bank. Naturally, I am not as yet conversant with the inner-most workings of these most ultimate of pleasure devices, but I hope to be able to recommend them personally within few weeks or so, or as soon as I am fully healed. You see, my dear, we have suffered a setback, for which, lamentably, I am partially to blame. You know how dithery and indecisive engineers can be when pressed for definitive answers? Well, by the time the requisite number of them finally gave the go-ahead for the devices to be tested on humans, I was so desperate I neglected to read the instructions carefully. Of course, this proves once again what a fool I am. Never mind the fact that the copy I was given was in Japanese translated from Finnish, and turned out to be a recipe for pot-au-feu. I should have known better before proceeding, shouldn’t I? But I ignored common sense, and the upshot was that I stuck my penis in the first, most-likely orifice, only to discover until too late that it was a paper shredder. The less said the better, except that when I am finally repaired and back to normal, I shall be one of the few men alive to boast of a radically chic snake appendage, or should I say appendages. But enough about me.

The Corkscrew Fairly-Ultimate Sexual Arousal Ride with Optional Sock Presser/Paper Shredding/Espresso Machine Attachment™ comes with a protective helmet and a one year’s supply of goat cheese and lavender jelly crêpes, the latter being a precaution against being caught short (whatever the directions mean by that). These directions, which unfortunately are a bit blurred due to someone having spilled his or her cocoa on them, read as follows:

Attach as per diagrams 1 – 15L (omitting 5B only), being careful not to omit Steps 3 through 7, though bypassing Step 47. (Something something something). Insert (something something) into (something something) as per Diagram R14. It is recommended that (something something something) the special patented spin nozzle not be activated while using a toaster oven or when gas appliances are (something something). In the event of a malfunctioning (something something) to not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Remove clothing, unless unattractive. Mighty Fine Devices Company™, a wholly-owned and operated subsidiary of Beastly Pleasures Window Framing Co., a division of Squats Properties of Bois du Boulogne™, an undeclared for-profit fundraising entity of Miraculous Ruchl AlmostaSanta™ Immaculata™ Ultimata™ Spiritual Activities™ and One and Only Religion™ for the Better Class of People™ excluding Mr. And Mr. Potomus Sffinctorium of 12, Pebblebury Road, Little Huintsby-on-the-Marshes, Sussex, England™, and Laundries of the World™, cannot be held liable for appendages left unbound (something something something), unfettered, unattended, or otherwise free-flowing (see Page 42, Paragraph 9[b] (something something something) of The Official Non-Renegotiable Sales Contract (something something something). Void where prohibited by law, except where (something something something). Offer limited to one (1) per customer. Device not covered by most major insurers, except (something something something) and Full Life Policies Blessed by Miraculous Ruchl™ (something something something).

For the life of me, I cannot understand how the cocoa stains got all over the directions. They appear to have done something irreparable to the printer. And they have smudged the pictures of you taken secretly last August, basking in the sun on Mount Piñatubo. I am not altogether certain, but have reason to believe you didn’t attach the whatsit the right way round, which may or may not be why you were jettisoned off the cliff. Were you severely injured? Fatally? I trust this flaw in your nature will teach you to be more careful in the future, especially when it comes to following instructions. By the way, I cannot make out what you were doing in the fourth photograph. Was that hairy thing your leg?

One other thing before I relax my grip on your attention. You should not use the arousal device when experimenting with a very short person. You will bang your head on the floor each time you go around, and that can be most unpleasant.

The future lies in product testing. But is it art? - Laurent, my former name which I am using lest I forget the good times (HWISGAAOMRIU®).

PS. Please expedite the R&D figures for April of this year.
PPS. How is our director of marketing? You should inform her that demonstrator models are expensive. We cannot sell them as ‘new’ once they have sustained unsightly visible damage, or once the gears have worn out. We have our image to consider, even if she doesn’t.
***

11.30 Please please send me lunch
Subject: Delights and Deliria

Fuck You, Dearest Darling Forsythia.


Are you a celebrant of linguistic pulchritude? I am, but of that fact you are, of course, joyfully aware. I simply adore the ebb and flow of language. Its ins and outs, mountains and valleys, its crescendos, diminuendos, and subtler shades of hues. If only human beings weren’t prone to speaking their own idiosyncratic versions of language, the world would be so much more bearable. If only scribes did not insist on writing in known languages. Language does not lend itself to books or reading, but so it is.

But I digress, possibly for the first time today. What I do love most about language is contained in the obscure and volatile, the forgotten and slandered. But even more than that, above everything else, I love smegma. It is, without doubt, the most beautiful word in the English language, and one of the more elegant concepts in what is otherwise a barbarous and unnecessary mishmash. Why should I not re-Christian by youngest niece, Pickles Loralei (initially named, of course, after our director of marketing) Smegma Hortense?

I also find partouse à la bague to be an elegant phrase, but then every phrase in French is beyond reproach. However, we shall save this particular discussion for later.

Returning, if we might, to smegma, why should I not give a more suitable and fluid moniker to that almost-most-noble Himalayan arch-phallus, K-2? After all, what sort of name is that for a thrusting mass of arching atomic particles? Its very injustice demands a cosmic re-thinking. What are you doing about it? Did we not purchase that pathetic, second-rate mound of mud, rock, ice and Ghurkha shacks for its potential as a sacred summit and swinging singles destination? Didn’t you yourself propose that this newest venture of ours should expand into heretofore unknown horizons, thereby stretching the boundaries of tedium?

The newly-christened Mount Smegma™ (as it is to be known from this day forward), home of the Guru Tudu of Bangalore, dubbed thusly in honour of the late Commodore Rubius Menzies-Smegman, diplomat, adventurer, explorer and sportsman, has the potential to be one of the paramount tourist destinations in the world.

How do we propose to achieve this, I hear you ask. I will tell you how we shall achieve this. A waterslide. We construct a mighty waterslide, the biggest waterslide in the world, if not Australia. That is what we propose to do! Note, if you will, the resolve in my typing and the utter conviction which has prompted my confident and soundly-reasoned response to your lawyerly doubts. For you did have doubts, and I do have resolve.

I also have great fiscal vision. Do you realise that we can cut the construction budget to practically nil, simply by bypassing engineers. It may seem inconsistent of me to arrive at this conclusion, especially after endorsing earlier projects, but, hélas, I have grown weary. Since this morning, I have come to to possess an unseemly disregard for these botulus penduloria, but what of it? Who needs them? We neither require nor desire problems to be identified. I, for one, do not particularly relish the thought of untold tonnes of unimaginative cyberwankers messing with my plans, telling me what I can and cannot and may and may not get up to.

Instead of engineers, we go to discount department stores (especially those announcing ‘going-out-of-business’ sales) and buy all their cheapest steak knife sets. After carefully removing the protective packaging by whatever means is least aggravating, we place ads outside job centres for skilled artisans. We then compel the hundreds of applicants who will swarm to our doors to post two bonds. The first, roughly the equivalent of twice the round-trip fare to Kathmandu, should cover incidentals in the unlikely event an emergency repatriation is deemed necessary. I am thinking about the one percent who might be tempted into an immoral relationship with a yak, a cultural faux pas not greatly appreciated by the Nepalese.

The second bond, this one for a much smaller sum – (we are, after all, dealing with artisans, most of whom have never held down a decent job in their lives) – will serve as insurance against the sub-sub-sub contractor defaulting and leaving them stranded. Basically, it will guarantee that day-to-day expenses are met for such incidentals as shoes, deodorant, knitting needles, dental floss and votive candles.

Due to the humanitarian aspects of the enterprise, as well as the not inconsiderable glamour attached to it, all transportation to the site, which we will arrange and which will be outlined in the next paragraph, must be paid for separately by each individual applicant. Invoices shall be submitted for payment upon arrival at what shall be thought of as Club Artisania™, although for reasons of National Security individuals should not be informed of any of this beforehand. If this sounds heavy-handed, please realise that everything has been thought out carefully, and devised by extremely kind lawyers. We realise that it is next to impossible to achieve anything positive from artisans through bilious behaviour, and, to that end, we will paint the undersides of their beds a calming blue and only whip them when absolutely necessary.

After signing them up and taking them through the paperwork, we will duly escort them to Monoprix to be measured for kneeling pads (generosity and compassion must remain front and centre at all times, even when nothing is happening). We will then pack each artisan, along with his (or her) steak knife and a pair of plastic, artificial canvas sandals, into a plastic container, which will then be shipped by mule and dromedary to the land of eternal enlightenment.

Upon arrival at base camp, a ledge of paradisical shingle under the engorged spire of mighty Mount Smegma™, the artisans will be given time for a brief nap, followed by a wash and brush up. Directly following this, they will be issued maps indicating individual work sites, and without further ado will be ushered up the mountain.

In practically no time at all, voilá! The hugely ugly and grotesque grey rock will be miraculously transformed into a shimmering, hand-carved ice slide. In your wildest dreams, have you ever seen – or even imagined – such a thing? Such grace! Such savoir-faire! Such elegance! It will be the artistic marvel of our day, the Eighth Wonder of the World!

But where is the water, I hear you ask. And so you should. Without you knowing it, we have here further proof of our creative and fiscal genius. Delicate Little Watering Cans™! Delicate Little Watering Cans™, each with finely-etched filigree marquetry around the spout and with faux mother of pearl and opal handles in variegated shade of two-tone, never-fade plastic. Each one will be accompanied by tiny crystal bottles of the finest Alpine Mineral Water, L’eau Gazeux de la Miraculous Ruchl AlmostaSanta™ Imaculata™ Ultimata™Pipette Forever and Ever Guaranteed Salvation Nectar Amen™ (€75.00 [$47,000 US] per ten millilitre). We have cornered the market, through means not withstanding, on these exquisite non-biodegradable masterpieces. All tourists venturing to the base camp and beyond will be obliged to purchase a minimum one week supply from our MegaGurkaMart™, conveniently located on the summit and in other attractive locations. And will it be successful? Let’s put it like this: if the ‘adventure travellers (sic) want a water slide, then it’d up to them to purchase the water. Simple arithmetic. Basic economics.

It goes without saying that we will require artistic renderings of the project, but our director of marketing assures me it is in her capabilities to supply them. After all, she is enrolled in a community night school class on painting for beginners. She agrees with me that there is little need for architects. They would only insist upon the hiring of a multitude of engineers and odd sorts who have unnatural relationships with computers. We ourselves have done more than our share for those stagnating vessels of bilge dribbles, what with our academy and crematorium, and we must stop somewhere. I am still angry over the mess they’ve made with regards to our project in Crete. You would never in a million years believe the amount of used marble and ceramic shards they’ve left lying about. A pristine and sun-drenched islet, and they’ve refused to clear up what they so smugly call “ruins”. “Ruins” indeed! I though we have settled all that once and for all. To coin a phrase, I don’t believe it.

I’ve come to realise we should probably consolidate our various holiday destination projects, with a view towards developing independently interlinking corporate units. Fiscal is of a mind that such a move will lend a certain cohesiveness and credibility to our infrastructure. On the other hand, Catering claims, perhaps correctly, that the move will result in severe clinical depressive tendencies and proscribed mass suicides. As the Principle Responsibles, we must consider the options and beg the age-old question: whither be art? - Laurent (who is in a desperate mood. An unknown hand stuffed a portion of fromage de tête into my “living quarters” and due to its age it is in sad decline. Send nose plugs.