Day 26

La Réponse de Forsythia


From: Forsythia_f@zmut.fr
To: Hwisgaaomriu@poste_électronique.fr
Subject: Whatever


Laurent,

We returned this morning from the most exquisitely refreshing six weeks in the Maldives. The decision to absent ourselves from the hurly burly and hoi polloi was strictly spur of the moment, but you know all about that. No time at all to advise old friends before the flight, and certainly no thought about sending even the odd postcard once in paradise. Both of us are relaxed and happy, as are the children. When are you planning on coming down to Nice for a long weekend? Shall we say the thirteenth to the fifteenth of next month? We do have so much catching up to do. Life has taken flight since moving from Paris. Cézar, by the way, is requesting for the umpteenth time that you cease and desist referring to him as ‘Whatisname’, at least until such time as you can refrain from laughing hysterically and snorting through your nose. He says the routine is long past its sell-by date and that you should look elsewhere for your amusement. He also asks (as do I) that you should only visit us if you are planning to visit with us. Do not bother to come if your intention is to regale us with another one of your pointless, pathetic computer fantasies. Am I making myself clear, or haven’t you actually read this letter?

I don’t know when I shall get ‘round to looking at all your email. Is that all you do these days? Bombard your beleaguered acquaintances with endless rants? Quite frankly, I can’t be bothered writing unimportant blather to unimportant people. A busy professional life and motherhood, not to mention a proactive and loving relationship with an intelligent, compatible husband, provide me will all the necessary, intellectual distractions I could ever desire. Besides (and Cézar teases me about this), it would take a miracle for me to actually sit down and writer a personal letter. I was on the verge of saying that I would need to be whipped first, but stopped myself. Knowing you and your infantile sense of humour, you’d probably get all worked up and start yammering on about rubber sheets or something.

Are you all right? I did ask my secretary to respond to your verbiage every so often, but after the third or fourth attempt at communicating with you she begged to be let off the hook. Apparently you insulted her several times and made absolutely no sense. If what she says is true, I must admit to feeling saddened. She is a loyal and effective employee and does not deserve to be treated in a rude and insolent manner.

I am worried about your mental health. All your correspondence makes me weary. You lecture me constantly and you are fully aware of how boring that is. Please, in the future, when you write to me, spare me the commentary. The details alone are sufficient. And please, no ranting. Agreed?

Please let me know about coming down as soon as possible. Cézar wants to paint the guest bedroom. If you cannot make the dates mentioned above, he will bring in the decorators over that weekend.

I ran into Mumsy the other day. She mentioned that your house looked unlived in. If you’re not careful, you’ll just disappear and no one will know the difference.

Will you please forgive me if I simply delete all your emails? I know you’ll come up with more, whether or not they annoy me. Perhaps we can save our news for when we get together. Wouldn’t that be a good idea?

Both Cézar and I hope you are having a better year. Shall we plan on seeing you soon? Would you like me to invite Mumsy and Sudsy at the same time?

- Forsythia ffanwyth-Featherstonehaughe, JD

PS. Cézar says you may bring your computer with you if it will make you feel better.


Fin